28-01-07
Terry and Fiona Special (Rip the Calico)
Review by Steve O'Kane
Well throbble me G string and dangle me capo.!! Not to mention staple me granny to the fridge!
We meet again for another scintillating review of the latest Fab-club session, which was billed as being headlined by “Rip The Calico”.
I didn’t know whether to expect an afternoon of bodice ripping busty substances, ……or a team of terminally flatulent sailors!
Aarrghh! What a thought!
Not to be outdone, I wore my tightest trousers and grabbed a tin of Vaseline, and came prepared for either situation.
The illustrious comperes, the Tone Def Leopards, (they’re spotted everywhere lately) scaled the heights of the club stage, with the aid of some grappling hooks and a few Sherpas, and promptly started the show with the “4x 4” song. (Also known as the “16 song” by mathematicians.)
Trev then announced that he dreamed of me the other night;…………. lucky boy!
They then treated us to a gospel ditty about the wreck of the
(I believe he now has a motor-bike for sale;……….. but beware of the crabs on the seat.)
This was followed by “No Baguettes”, a rock and “roll” number? .Sue provided percussion by rubbing up and down on her phallic instrument.
Well, she said it was an instrument,.. but I noticed it said “Industrial strength..If batteries run out, 240 volt Mains operation only” on the label.
And there WAS a power cut all over
The next act was Sonia, resplendent in red and white top, and blue jeans. I almost stood up and saluted, then I realised she was at half- mast. She sang “Summertime”in a tinted voice and strong glasses…..or was it the other way around…and then read a personal poem, before sliding back down the pole. Enough to make anyone stand to attention. A good start to the day so far!
Sue then perched on the edge of the stage (the Sherpas had gone on strike) and introduced Len, who performed “If I were a carpenter”.
"If I were a carpenter
I’d lower that bloody stage", thought Sue!…
Len followed this with Neil Young’s
“I believe in you”, nice playing.
I know how high that vocal goes, so I had fears for the chandelier when he began …
but bugger me he did it! He must have put a capo on his testicles!
(Well it works for me……………………..
It’s just a bigger capo! ) Hi Len J
Next; (stay with me on this) Trev introduced Trev and one Trev borrowed the other Trev's guitar as each Trev had the same guitar as the other Trev as well as the same name of Trev.
Anyway, I really liked Trev (Barham’s) song,
a nice pace, and a nice chorus about your guiding star being in your heart.
Hopefully this year he will get a c.d. done.
He then played “All Lovers Are Young”,
not a song I know, but many joined in to show me how ignorant I was.
Ken was next on stage…I didn’t know Ken, but he told a joke that none of us quite seemed to understand. He then explained that it wasn’t a young persons joke,
Well, no wonder I didn’t get it!
(I think everyone else did, but pretended not to.)
He then sang what sounded like an old music hall song, but I didn’t get the title.
Sorry Ken. Answers on a postcard…..
So we arrived at the first break.
Trev begins the next section with a joke about having sex in a B & Q store….well, I suppose it’s better than Doing It Yourself.
He then introduces “Rip The Calico”, which comprises of Fiona and Terry, …who is wearing exactly the same boots as me!
I only bought them yesterday……..the bitch!!
I also often sing with a “Fiona”;
………….curiouser and curiouser.
And was that the tell tale bulge of a capo…………….??
They kick off with “Jack O’Hazeldean”,
Terry on guitar and Fiona on whistle.
Good stuff. Terry had already told me that they often play in bars full of drunks, so I offered to lob a chair at him from time to time, to make him feel at home. Failing that I could crawl on stage and maybe puke on his boots…..
He politely declined.
This was followed by “The Rites Of Man”, which prompted a mini debate as to who had written it (Voltaire/John Payne/ Enid Blyton/Tolkien). This was a lively jiggy number; at one point a little drunken mouse came out from beneath the stage in a kilt, and was leaping about with a tiny jug of ale before passing out and being dragged back in by his missus (mousiss).
I don’t think anyone else noticed this however.
Terry apparently used to work at a Morrissons in
Terry later moved to
Fiona and Terry had been to Sidmouth, and their instrumental about this was great to hear; you could see the colours and buzz of the festival in the music. Fiona seemed to be getting better and better as the time went on, and she was so animated with obvious pleasure at playing that it lifted my spirits; great to see such honest love of music, and the sheer pleasure of doing it well came across clearly..
The final song of this section was
“Down In The Valley”, pictures from Terrys reminiscences (his father was Welsh). A rousing finish, and the sight of Fiona playing brilliantly with a strand of her hair caught in her mouth. How long have you been playing the Hair?
End of part one.
***
Maureen then sits on the stage, and reads two of her story/jokes. Obsessed with sex, screwing, breasts, shagging, panties etc…………………..but enough about me; back to Maureen.
No I mean ……… As ever she reads them out in a calm way that belies the punch line, and everyone is mightily amused!! . I Know these jokes, but wouldn’t have the courage to read them out!
When the laughter dies down, Sue introduces a “youngish” man”…….. and
I don’t look a day older than 84!
Yes it’s my turn, and I read out one of my “serious” poems for the first time, as I need the practice. I assume it goes down O.K…
well, it nearly made me cry!
Claudine has kindly requested
“As Beautiful As You”, and I then sing this.
This makes her cry. It is great to have a soul….
It is also nice to have a request.
I confess to being plagued with the fear that people get “fed up” hearing my songs yet again, so it helps the confidence to know that at least somebody WANTS to hear them. Thanks Claudine!. Also there were some new faces in the audience, which helps the performance also.
Speaking of new faces, the next two people up were Geoff and Garry,
from the Croydon Folk and Blues Club.
They say nice things about my song, so are of course extremely welcome!! They play a Robert Johnson number, a nice blues. Garry plays some great harmonica on this ….Swine!! Great applause.
They claim the second song is a Woody Guthrie one, the chorus of which seems to be
“Hey Hey, Ho Ho Ho Ho!”……I think they will find it was actually written by Santa Claus, but I didn’t want to show off.
Besides, it looks like rain, dear.
Garrys harmonica dies half way through the next song, and Claudine rushes to the rescue ..only to find the E box has a G harmonica in it.!
Funny, I’ve got boxes like that!
Don’t know why he didn’t just put a capo on the harmonica and get on with it.
We then had the return of Sonia…who announces that she is too p***ed to sing…..but will try anyway.! What can I say? She embarks on a journey through “Amazing Grace”…which turns into a magical mystery tour! Even the mouse came out to listen! It proves what mum always said, “Never mix guiness with dark glasses and a red top.”.
Actually Sonia, this is just my humour! The fact that you got up and had a go was admirable. I remember having a glass too many at my first gig (nerves) and in the second half I spent 5 minutes explaining a song, and then sang a completely different one. I wondered why they were all scratching their heads. You also got everyone singing along, which is of course great.
Neil “Len” Young returns with a Heart of Gold,… a knee of polystyrene, ….and a nose of mustard.. This is the third time I have heard him perform this, and it gets better every time.
Most enjoyable! Thanks Len.
Claudine joins force with Trevor (Barham) next.
Claudine sings Trev’s song, whilst she and Trev dance from side to side, whilst trying to remember to breathe.
At one point Trev turns his rear end towards Claudine……obviously a bum note.
I notice everyone is smiling, and it strikes me how, when Claudine is happy, she spreads a little joy wherever she goes.
Long may we be infected by 'les germes!'
After the duo, a new quartet; Sonia, Sue, Claudine, and Ken. Was my drink spiked?
I (as you know to your cost!!) am not often lost for words…..but I have NO idea what this was about! I will call it
“Wonderfully Eccentric If Rather Demented”
or W.E.I.R.D for short!
Maureen gave us another joke about a naked man in a
I can vouch for the fact that
he has a rather long one.
I then played “Talking To The Moon”,
requested by the Clive Meggs.
Thanks mate!
Croydon’s Garry and Geoff, wearing only a lead pipe and a copy of The Times, played another foot-stomping blues number, great harmonica again, lots of tapping feet and percussion being added by the audience.
Then The Tone Deaf Leopards took the stage…for a risqué number dedicated to Claudine.
Crikey! X rated stuff this.! Sue was virtually pole dancing…….on Trevors pole!
I half expected David attenborough to leap out, having had reports of two leopards mating in Grays! Quick! On with the raffle!!
And a beer break.
We commence the last session with Claudine playing one of her own songs “Start a Fight” accompanied by Rip The Calico. The whistle works well with this…
though I am not so sure about the extra guitar. Maybe I am just too used to the original.
Then they do a Pete Morton song,
on which Terrry’s guitar works much better,
and the whistle again enhances.
Now the second session of Rip The Calico!
The first song is a solo by Terry. I like this ;
“I lay me down to sleep to the west of the moon” Nice picking, nice flute, nice harmonics….nice song.
Fiona then joins for a
“march followed swiftly by a retreat “ ..(The English Cricket Team Theme tune?)
Fiona starts this with her own solo…wonderful! Great use of slide notes, but without overdoing it. All followed by a change of rhythm up to a rate that gets the feet tapping.
“Natures Boy” follows, obviously a heart felt appreciation of the forest and nature, another good and lively tune. It strikes me that Terry and Fiona have made good choices here, saving a lot of good lively stuff for the last session; it is certainly working well. “Natures Boy” is followed by three jigs that evoke even more audience response. Fiona’s playing stirs my Celtic blood!
(All my dad’s family are in
Then an old familiar; “Wild Mountain Thyme”, which again is suited so well to whistle accompaniment. Terry is well into his stride in this second half, and everything is flowing nicely.
We end with Terry's own Poetic
“Rainbows of Donegal”,
and an encore of "Marie's wedding".
A fine days work.
I n conclusion!!
It seemed to me a great afternoons entertainment.
Apart from being great musicians,
who loved what they did,
Terry and Fiona also seemed like really nice people.
It was great to see new faces from Croydon also, and to have comperes who are as much part of the entertainment as organising it.!
The whole event chronicled by
I need pics, as I am re-doing my web site soon!
Till the next time!!
Au revoirs, mes amis!
x
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